Hey HR, If I were you…

We’ve all been there when a major no-no happens at work — or when they keep happening at work (and keep happening…).

(Play this as you read.)

Yeah, whoopsies is right.

Note: The following events are based on true stories. The identities and locations have been changed for the safety of the victims.

Reader’s discretion is advised.

When Mr. Replacement is an egotistical psychonaut:

Dear LEON,

Things were chill when the old boss was still around. He mentored us, correcting only when needed, and he knew when to admit he was wrong — a chill guy, who was also hardworking, but also chill. Do you feel me?

Then this new guy (total as*hole if you ask me) comes in guns blazing, swinging his authority all in our faces. This guy has no chill, he has zero chill, nada.

Know what I heard? Phyllis, bless her heart, got canned for misspelling her own name. HER OWN NAME! I’m done, I tell ya. We’re dropping like flies. As Jerry Seinfeld would say, “I am freaking out!”

Please send help.

I patiently await your response,

Jeff

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Dearest Jeff,

I understand that this new guy is not like the old guy. In fact, he’s different from the last guy. You can tell by the way he is (definitely not a guy’s kind of dude).

We’ve contacted HR and formally filed a class action Launch LEON In This Workplace lawsuit. Change is imminent, and healing clouds will soon descend on your workplace like freshly cut lilacs.

Rest assured, our people are in contact with your people.

Justice will be served.

Sincerely,

LEON.

Rage quits. Oh yes, lots of rage quits:

Dear LEON,

I’m at my wit's end. Like seriously, this office is so toxic.

I get weird looks, people gossip, and no one helps out — I’m just done with it all.

Last week a manager went full Satan mode on me in the middle of the office. I don’t even work with him!

Honestly, I’d leave but I can’t afford to go without a job, and I’ve worked way too hard to get here.

Who am I kidding anyway?

I heard you might be able to help. So if you can, please do it quickly.

Yours truly,

Bianca.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Dearest Bianca,

We hear you loud and clear.

Work, like an angry wasp’s nest, can get kind of nasty at times (pardon my lame analogy).

Sounds like the whole place could use a re-boot. We’ve got a strategy for that.

Truth be told, we’re already in contact with your resident HR guru.

Let us work some magic (like Gandolf) and we’ll make sure things get turned around A$AP (minus the rocky).

Talk soon,

LEON.

For whom the bell tolls:

Dear LEON,

I have no way of knowing whether or not management is on to me, so please hurry.

Yesterday, my cubicle mate (Tim) got called to the office at the end of the floor.

Needless to say, when I got back from lunch, his things were gone. He left without a word. We’re all scared. We have no idea what is going on.

I tried to ask Shirley in HR what happened with Tim, all she said was:

“We don’t talk about people who’ve been asked to leave.”

How cryptic is that?

We’re all tired, burned out, and ready for a break.

I heard you guys do some futuristic data sh*t. How’s about you send it over our way? We could really use some help. The culture here blows.

Best,

Jeff.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Howdy Jeff,

Trust me, your secret is safe with us.

Your workplace’s reign of tyranny is about to expire.

We’re recommending a full-on culture cleanse.

Stay tuned, download the LEON app, and watch our tools go to work.

You’ll be sittin’ easy and feelin’ fine in no time.

And as for your cranky management team, we’re gonna bring them up to speed with some proper leadership etiquette real quick. Don’t worry.

Yours truly,

LEON.

The lunchbox thief:

Dear LEON,

You won’t believe this and I’m not sure if there’s much you can do, but there is someone in our ranks that thinks it’s okay to nab our lunches…. out of our lunchboxes.

It’s gone too far. Do you know what it’s like to work all day, looking forward to that precious lunch-time break, to only have your carefully prepared meal disappear?

Please, tell me you do. I saw your zombie commercial and figured there was something you could do to end this madness.

Send help. I beg of you.

Sincerely,

Aaron.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Dear Aaron,

This sounds like a classic case of workplace zombie type 4.2-A, “The meal-jacker.”

First, let me tell you that we DO have a proven strategy for ending such heinous, unconscionable acts against the sanctity of the break room.

However, this won’t be an easy fix. It requires your team to deploy a precision cocktail of culture and resilience-based playbooks.

So long as you can commit to leading the adoption of LEON in your workplace, we’ll be able to snuff out this damned meal-jacker in no time.

Until then, take care.

Sincerely,

LEON.